


pants on fire

by emilywolf



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: everyone lives au, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 22:58:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11587923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilywolf/pseuds/emilywolf
Summary: Evan Hansen is a liar.





	pants on fire

Evan Hansen is a liar.

Evan Hansen lies to make things easier. He lies to avoid confrontation. He lies to people he loves, people he hates, people he doesn’t even know.

Maybe he should’ve known he couldn’t have an actual friend without lying. Maybe he should’ve realize he was just an actor in some fucked up play where everyone looks at the main character and goes  _ wow what a shitty guy  _ and writes essays on why he’s irredeemable because, fuck, he really is, isn't he?

He lies. He lies. He lies.

Connor Murphy. He doesn’t deserve to be some grand cog in Evan’s lies-- he’s paranoid, constantly, tells Evan that sometimes it feels like he’s the only one he can trust, and Evan just has to punch down the wrong wrong wrong and nod and say  _ me too _ . He’s so fragile, and it’s not a word Evan would say to his face or to anyone, because Connor Murphy is an imposing figure and fragile is the last word anyone else would describe him with, but Evan sees it in his eyes. The glassed over look. Where if anything else goes wrong, if anything else fucks him over, if anything else is  _ different _ from what he believes, he’s gone. Evan sees it in the mirror. Evan sees a lot of himself in Connor.

He doesn’t see the lies.

Everything about Connor Murphy is genuine, and real, and  _ emotional _ . Connor is close to his emotions. Connor can show his emotions, lets people know how he feels, even though they’re so much and so hard to express, he does it anyway.

He’s silent but peaceful drives, the contentment of not needing to be anywhere but the moment. He’s overwhelming grief and rage, slamming fists and shoulders and feet into drywall and screaming and  _ existing _ . He’s texts at two in the morning begging for Evan to come outside, please, and the clog in his throat and the sniffling of a broken man. He’s so, so, expressive, and so, so genuine.

Evan Hansen is a liar.

The only times he’s expressed anything other than  _ oh yeah I’m fine I promise  _ is alone. The only time he’s shown anger is in the way he excuses himself, leaves a situation so he can bite and claw and hurt himself to try to get some of the emotion  _ out _ . The only time he’s confronted how horribly sad, how desperately empty he is, is when he launched himself out of a tree, eyes closed, hoping he was deep enough in the woods no one would find his body until it was grown over, hidden in moss, acting as a nurse log for something real and genuine and alive.

Connor Murphy doesn’t know. Connor Murphy will never know, if Evan has his way.

Evan remembers a quote,  _ you’re not an expert until you’ve spent 10,000 hours doing something.  _ Figures that’s about four hundred days. Figures that he’s been lying about being okay for at least the last three years, probably more, probably the last five or six or seven, and laughs because of course the only thing he’s good at is lying. Of course he’s worthless except for deceiving other people.

In the fifth grade, an indoor recess had been spent by the entire class taking a Hogwarts House quiz. Evan had gotten Slytherin. He had been confused, thought he was a Hufflepuff or a Ravenclaw, something  _ not _ Gryffindor or Slytherin. The rest of the day his classmates had called him a snake, a liar, a villain. Evan wants to go back in time. Wants to tell the squishy scared version of himself that they’re right, he’s a liar, he’s irredeemable, plant that seed so maybe he’ll actually die before he gets too intertwined with anyone else.

Evan Hansen hates himself. That’s the truth. That’s the only truth he knows.

 

* * *

 

Connor confronts him, because of course, he can’t even do the one thing he’s good at for any longer than a few months before he’s exhausted and tired and wants to give up. Connor looks hurt. Connor is showing emotion, showing his soul, showing he’s genuine, and the self hatred bubbles up from background noise to a deafening roar.  _ I thought I could trust you, _ he says. No no no.  _ I thought you were my friend. _ You deserve better.  _ You’re just like everyone else. _ He’s so much worse.

Connor storms out, out, into his car and driving away. Behind the fog, Evan thinks he’s going to be gone for a couple hours, because when he’s upset he puts on a playlist and gets lost in rural streets. The realization that he knows Connor this well and Connor hardly knows him makes the bile rise, and he’s in his bathroom, and he’s empty. His throat is burning and he’s empty and he deserves it. 

He sits like that, for a while, for forever, lets his mom find him staring blankly at the ground and huffing and gnawing on his hand like a wild animal because he deserves to feel bad. Deserves to want to die because his mom is crying, his mom loves him so much and he’s  _ still  _ broken and she deserves better and he lets it wash over him, disgust keeping him grounded. He has to hate himself, because when he doesn’t and he just feels empty he falls from a tree like a disappointment.

His mom calls Connor. Evan lets her, because he deserves the falling look on her face as Connor Murphy spits and snarls that he’s a liar and pathetic and worthless because he is. Connor hangs up. 

Evan’s still sitting on the ground, dried vomit on his face, when Jared arrives. Jared just pulls one of his arms over his shoulder, stands him up, walks him to the bedroom. He gets him a Gatorade, isn’t calling him names or anything, he just looks. Tired. Maybe a little sad. He doesn’t ask about Connor. Evan’s glad. He’s tired of lying.

The realest thing that’s happened in the last year is this-- Evan Hansen, finally showing just how  _ empty _ he is. He doesn’t speak when Jared asks if he wants to play a game or something, doesn’t move when Jared sits on the bed next to him with a Wii controller, doesn’t react to the monologue Jared’s saying to fill the silence.

Bit by bit he regains his facade. Bit by bit he’s breathing, feeling, existing. Jared’s playing some Mario game when Evan speaks.

_ I, _ he says, and then his throat fills with emotion that he can’t get out,  _ I’m a liar.  _ Jared doesn’t pause the game, but he does turn down the volume.  _ I’ve been lying to you, to, to everyone.  _ Jared doesn’t respond.  _ I’m not getting better. _ Jared snorts.

_ Stop it, Evan. You’re still a mess of a human being but you’re not  _ not  _ getting better. _ Theres the sound of a “wahoo!” from the TV.  _ I mean, sophomore year I thought you were alright.  _ Evan chokes back a noise, and Jared’s backtracking.  _ That’s a bad thing, tree boy. I thought you were alright because you hid it so well. _ He finally pauses the game, doesn’t look Evan in the eye.  _ I didn’t… I didn’t know how bad it was until you like, actually started crying and shit in front of me. _ He scoffs.  _ I shoulda’ figured when Mr. Arbor ‘accidentally’ fell out of a tree, but you were good at acting. Also, I was an idiot. _

Evan gives a shaky laugh.  _ ‘Was’? _

Jared snorts, and hits play, and Evan doesn’t feel as empty.

 

* * *

 

Evan’s standing at the Murphy’s door. Connor’s car is askew in the driveway, so he’s home. He knocks on the door, goes to let himself in but thinks better of it, waits outside. No one comes. He keeps knocking,  _ knock knock knock _ then wait a minute or two then  _ knock knock knock _ until Connor texts him “ _ just come inside already asshole”. _ So Evan lets himself in.

Connor’s sitting at his computer, scrolling through some social media, and doesn’t even look at Evan when he walks in. Evan’s glad. He couldn’t handle the look of betrayal. He sits gingerly on Connor’s bed, pulls up his legs and crosses them, and stares at the ground. The only sound is the scroll wheel of the mouse and some occasional typing. It’s like that for a while, until Connor groans and spins his chair to face Evan.  _ So are you gonna explain yourself, or what? _

Evan stares at the carpet, breathes in, breathes out, and lets his head go through his mouth without the filter.  _ I lie about myself because I think I'm inherently very unlikable and I lie about what I’ve done because I really don't like it when people are disappointed with me and the fastest way to do that is to say that I’ve done something even though I haven’t and it doesn’t really matter when it’s stuff like classwork or the letters but it does when it’s with people and I’m really sorry because I know I hurt you and if you hate me or want me to leave that’s fine, I understand. _ Connor just stares at him, a little incredulously.

_ I don’t care, Hansen. I don’t care if you’re like, human garbage, or whatever. Hell, Evan, I really do not care. I just, _ and he swallows, and there’s vulnerability on his face, that fragile look.  _ I just want to know it’s you.  _ Evan doesn’t say anything.  _ I would rather have a disappointing Evan Hansen than a fake one. _

He’s silent. Connor’s silent. Then he opens, closes, opens his mouth.  _ I like you for you, Evan. You don’t have to lie. I really don’t care if you’re not impressive, or whatever. _

Evan looks up, and there’s the genuine emotion on Connor’s face. Connor smiles, a bit unsure, and Evan gives a shaky smile back.  _ You really don’t care? _

_ Of course not. It’d be kinda hypocritical, huh? _

Connor swings his chair back to face the screen, and there’s a silence. It’s not a bad one. Evan breaks it anyway.  _ I’m sorry. _

_ Just, stop doing it to me. I need you to stop lying to me. Alright? _

Evan Hansen is a liar. Evan Hansen is a liar, but when he says  _ okay _ , it almost feels like telling the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> hey ive been feeling kinda garbo the last few weeks so uhhhhh heres some boys
> 
> requests are open! please i need to Write More Good Good Content


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